I can't.
I tried.
I failed.
I tried and tried, and I failed.
So I won't.
Perhaps its not because I did not try, but I am met with people who make it impossible to speak out.
OR, it is because of fear.
What do I want to do?
Speak out?
Yes.
Will I?
No.
I've come to realize now that it is better if I just become submissive.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Tuesday Morning, 4AM
I have not a wink of sleep.
I cannot breathe, so my solution is to write - sort of - to let it out.
One friend said, if you want something, you ask for it hard enough, and the Universe conspires to get it for you. Scriptures then state, God works in mysterious ways. Put those together and what do you get? Heartbreak Super Nova.
I did read somewhere that when you ask for something, God will most likely give it to you, but often not in the way you expect it.
I thought I learned this lesson. But now I've had to re-learn it the hard way.
I do not know how to go on. This life is empty, and I have struggled for a while.
Mistakes, we all have them.
Paths, we all have them.
But when you ask for something, I guess the question is, 'Will you get what you ask for? Or will you get what you deserve?' I think it is a mixture of both.
Leave it to God to make something out of it.
So I asked, nay, begged God to do something. I asked it from the core of my being. Something I have not done in a while. It was one of those prayers where you throw in all your tears and will into it. Praying to God. And yeah, He answers.
But not quite how I imagined it to be.
It breaks me.
It tears me apart.
His answer.
At some point I regret asking Him. But the prayer has been answered. The speed of which makes me think He has been waiting for it for a while.
The pain is like a thousand knives piercing my skin, tearing at my flesh and making me cry out. It is like torture through boiling water, spewed from a metal ball peppered with holes. It feels like I've been lain on a table and other torture devices have been used.
No. That does not quite encompass it. These feelings. This pain. It is a bit too much.
I've been bawling my eyes out. I've collapsed into a heap and fainted due to hyperventilation. I've vomited, choked, and now my eyes feel as though they are about to be ejected from my head.
There can be no consolation. I deserve this.
So I let myself bleed the only way I know how.
Words.
But by God and His mysterious ways, I wish I'd been granted death instead of this.
I cannot breathe, so my solution is to write - sort of - to let it out.
One friend said, if you want something, you ask for it hard enough, and the Universe conspires to get it for you. Scriptures then state, God works in mysterious ways. Put those together and what do you get? Heartbreak Super Nova.
I did read somewhere that when you ask for something, God will most likely give it to you, but often not in the way you expect it.
I thought I learned this lesson. But now I've had to re-learn it the hard way.
I do not know how to go on. This life is empty, and I have struggled for a while.
Mistakes, we all have them.
Paths, we all have them.
But when you ask for something, I guess the question is, 'Will you get what you ask for? Or will you get what you deserve?' I think it is a mixture of both.
Leave it to God to make something out of it.
So I asked, nay, begged God to do something. I asked it from the core of my being. Something I have not done in a while. It was one of those prayers where you throw in all your tears and will into it. Praying to God. And yeah, He answers.
But not quite how I imagined it to be.
It breaks me.
It tears me apart.
His answer.
At some point I regret asking Him. But the prayer has been answered. The speed of which makes me think He has been waiting for it for a while.
The pain is like a thousand knives piercing my skin, tearing at my flesh and making me cry out. It is like torture through boiling water, spewed from a metal ball peppered with holes. It feels like I've been lain on a table and other torture devices have been used.
No. That does not quite encompass it. These feelings. This pain. It is a bit too much.
I've been bawling my eyes out. I've collapsed into a heap and fainted due to hyperventilation. I've vomited, choked, and now my eyes feel as though they are about to be ejected from my head.
There can be no consolation. I deserve this.
So I let myself bleed the only way I know how.
Words.
But by God and His mysterious ways, I wish I'd been granted death instead of this.
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